Gas Prices Soaring Due to Seagulls!

Leucophaeus atricilla English: Laughing Gulls ...

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Since our anointed Messiah, the mighty Barack Obama, bravely bowed to the pressure of radical tree-huggers in the EPA and quashed the Keystone Oil Pipeline deal with Canada … it looks like China (who will most certainly refine and burn Canadian oil in a much more environmentally friendly manner than the U.S. would have) is going to get that oil.

Iran is close to going nuclear, rattling its scimitars, and threatening to block the Straits of Hormuz, the most important oil transit channel in the world. Meanwhile, Obama seems intent on vacationing … while pretending the current Iranian President and his reasonable radical Islamic administration are no threat to the U.S. or its ally Israel (that evil perpetrator of the Holocaust myth).

Obama’s enlightened view that Hezbollah, Hamas, Al Qaeda, the Muslim Brotherhood, Egypt, Syria, Venezuela, and North Korea are all simply misunderstood … and would play nice if the U.S.  would only just cripple its military and negotiate from a position of  weakness … makes me feel so much safer.

In fact, I am so very relieved to hear this!  Why you might ask?  Because that then gives Obama’s administration much more time to take on the really important issues like:

  • suing states for trying to protect their citizens from illegal immigrants who run drugs, humans, and weapons (paid for by Eric Holder) across our southern border;
  • finding “better” ways to count the number of unemployed in America so his numbers don’t look so bad in an election year;
  • and most importantly… providing all Catholic woman mandatory free condoms, abortions, and morning after pill insurance coverage whether they want it, will use it, or not.

I mean after all, why should it matter to pro-lifers and/or Christians that their tax dollars are being used to fund abortions!?  How closed-minded of us!

You know, I am afraid I must admit that I simply did not know that condoms were so darned expensive and so hard to get.  What was I thinking?!   Those must all be empty condom boxes and packages on the drug store shelves and behind the convenient store counters!  Have the public elementary schools run out of the free condoms they distribute by the handfuls to our children?  That’s simply horrible!  Are all those condom vending machines in truck stop men’s rooms empty?  Maybe Obama should issue an executive order mandating a new Truck Stop Men’s Room Czar and fund the associated bureaucracy? He could charge it with enforcing regulations mandating that trucks stops make sure these condom vending machines are always full, and that they are also available in the lady’s room (for equal rights), at the fuel pump islands, and in the trucker’s gift emporium next to the fuzzy steering wheel covers.  They could even put free condom and morning after pill vending machines in all our public schools starting in Kindergarten!  Wouldn’t that be swell!?

Meanwhile, gas prices are steadily climbing (locally up .03 cents per gallon as of yesterday) and they are estimated to go above $5 per gallon by summer. I heard yesterday that they are already paying $5 a gallon in some areas of California.  I wonder who, or what, Obama and his cronies will blame this on, because (despite the fact that Obama wants to crush oil companies and even stated during his 2008 campaign that he likes higher oil prices as long as they increase slowly); this will hurt his current  re-election bid.  He has to find something or someone to blame!  Hmmm!  Can he still get away with blaming it on George W. Bush, or maybe the Arab Spring turned to Summer, the Tea Party, a lazy do-nothing congress, or perhaps ATM machines!

No wait … I know!  He can blame it on seagull migrations!!  Yeah, that’s the ticket!  After all, it really could work!  Obama’s mainstream-media lap-dogs will gleefully run with the story (and can probably even find a way to blame seagull migrations on the Tea Party, the Catholic Church, and conservative republicans).  Perhaps most importantly, however, all the cool-aid drinkers will swallow it hook, line, and sinker. Obama’s newest excuse might even get discussed on “The View” with dissenting views being soundly, vigorously, and vulgarly ridiculed by the likes of Whoopee Goldberg and Joy Behar!!  Perhaps Janeane Garofalo and  Bill Maher will join in!

After all!  Facts be damned … if the anointed One has spoken it  … it must be so!

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